stockcar
Joined: 07 Apr 2011 Posts: 836 Location: in the shadow of the "angel"
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Posted: Fri Jan 27, 2012 8:31 pm Post subject: a few i stole from elsewhere |
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Canadian Airlines;
A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it’s final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We’re on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto".
He forgets to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, what are you going to do do in Toronto?"
"Well," says the pilot, "first I’m gonna check into the hotel and take a big dump.....after which, I’m gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... and then after dinner and a few drinks, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night."
Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the isles trying to get a look at the new stewardess.
Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She’s so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady’s bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He’s gotta take a shìt first."
Girls night out;
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to sh*t. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her knickers, used them and threw them away.
Her friend was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn’t want to ruin hers but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it.
After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman’s husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her knickers."
"That’s nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her arse that said, ’From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!’"
School days;
A Teacher says "Ok class I'd like you all to tell me what you need at home"
Susie say's "We need a computer Miss".
Wendy say's "We could do with a new car Miss".
Johnny say's "We don't need anything Miss".
Teacher say's "Come on Johnny, everyone needs something?"
"No Miss my sister came home with her new boyfriend and my dad said, "Thats all we f*cking need!"
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